Author Topic: Anyone not like being a parent?  (Read 1650 times)

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Offline mc1rgrl

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Anyone not like being a parent?
« on: October 09, 2018, 12:13:35 AM »
After raising my children for 17+ years and still having at least a decade to go, I have realized that I just don't like being a mom. For ages I thought I was just too stressed, or overly pressured from outside sources (mainly my ex-husband), but I have finally come to the realization and acceptance that I just don't like being a mom.  It is not fulfilling. It is stressful. Children wear you down and at the end of the day you are finally grateful that they've gone to sleep---if they actually do that and don't make a thousand excuses as to why they can't sleep. I just don't like it.  I am now raising my 4 children, and my new (married 2 years) husband's 3 kids and I'm just not digging it.  I've googled "I hate being a mom" and have found that I am very much not alone in this,  but I cannot find anything from an Orthodox perspective.  I am thinking about discussing this with my priest. Does anyone else here relate?

Offline Sharbel

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Re: Anyone not like being a parent?
« Reply #1 on: October 09, 2018, 02:14:31 AM »
Maybe your children don't like having you as their mom either.
« Last Edit: October 09, 2018, 02:14:47 AM by Sharbel »
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Re: Anyone not like being a parent?
« Reply #2 on: October 09, 2018, 03:12:23 AM »
Maybe your children don't like having you as their mom either.

Teenagers most definitely don't like having anyone as their parent, even the most textbook perfect of them. Everyone is human in this.
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Offline Lepanto

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Re: Anyone not like being a parent?
« Reply #3 on: October 09, 2018, 03:30:08 AM »
Hm... probably one has to look at children as part of a vocation. It is not necessarily fun.
Also, seven is really a lot. I cannot imagine I could deal with seven at all, no chance.
I think you are perfectly entitled to not liking it.
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Re: Anyone not like being a parent?
« Reply #4 on: October 09, 2018, 04:13:44 AM »
Fwiw, one time after voicing my own issues along these lines, a priest did the Homer Simpson stranglehold motion and said it was common for parents to feel a variety of negative things as they go about their responsibilities.

Offline Ainnir

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Re: Anyone not like being a parent?
« Reply #5 on: October 09, 2018, 07:20:08 AM »
Do talk with your priest.  There are a lot of reasons that could have you feeling that way.  Some can be mitigated, some can't.  I've heard of moms who struggled hard through the entire process, only to find they have spectacular relationships with their adult children.  Some are awesome in the toddler years and struggle with staying on good terms with their grown offspring.  Some people are really just more solitary; that's ok, too.  It's a messy job, and we don't need to heap guilt on top of that.  Try to be as pragmatic and proactive as you can--what bugs you most?  What do you need most?  What can you do to those ends?  What can your family do?  It may not drastically alter how you feel, but it might help ease your day-to-day.  :)

If you haven't adjusted your family logistics, that might help reduce the burden of details that pile up exponentially with each new person.  And you didn't get the benefit of adding them gradually, so be extra kind to yourself; you basically doubled your family size in a short amount of time.  Whether or not you enjoyed mommying before, that alone will throw anyone for a loop and require a good bit of adjusting and cooperation to find the new normal.

Talk with your priest.  And pray.  Always pray.  Even when it feels pointless.  I don't know how Orthodox any of that is, but I hope it helps, or at least didn't add weight.  :)
Is any of the above Orthodox?  I have no clue, so there's that.

Offline mc1rgrl

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Re: Anyone not like being a parent?
« Reply #6 on: October 09, 2018, 09:51:18 AM »
I think that as each of us has been given something to struggle with--maybe this is mine...Its hard, but I don't actually have a choice in the matter.  Yesterday was a bad day and I just couldn't handle it.  I feel better today, so hopefully everything will be better with the kids, too.

Offline Vanhyo

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Re: Anyone not like being a parent?
« Reply #7 on: October 09, 2018, 04:20:53 PM »
Quote
but I have finally come to the realization and acceptance that I just don't like being a mom.
I cannot even begin to imagine how difficult is to take care of this many kids....

Though if these ghosts and conspiracies that pop up in your head give you grief and despondency, know that you have accepted a lie from the devil and that is why you feel this way.

Search instead for the kingdom of heaven and your joy will come back.

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Re: Anyone not like being a parent?
« Reply #8 on: October 09, 2018, 04:21:43 PM »
Im glad you feel better today.

Btw: is this your husband?

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Re: Anyone not like being a parent?
« Reply #9 on: October 09, 2018, 04:25:25 PM »
Im guessing this could have been you. :D



Offline Ainnir

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Re: Anyone not like being a parent?
« Reply #10 on: October 09, 2018, 06:46:09 PM »
No, Tzimis.  No.
Is any of the above Orthodox?  I have no clue, so there's that.

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Re: Anyone not like being a parent?
« Reply #11 on: October 09, 2018, 07:34:34 PM »
My atempt at humour didnt go over to well..
Sometimes we have to laugh. Im a father as well. Also know that a womans hormones are to be feared like the devil himself.

Offline Ainnir

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Re: Anyone not like being a parent?
« Reply #12 on: October 09, 2018, 08:19:05 PM »
My atempt at humour didnt go over to well..
Sometimes we have to laugh. Im a father as well. Also know that a womans hormones are to be feared like the devil himself.
Not really, no.  :-\  Timing.
I don't disagree about laughing in general, but we don't know if the OP would be uplifted or discouraged by the attempt.  The OP sounded like she had a rough day, and has struggled with these feelings for years, so I think our love and prayers are in order.  God will help her sort the rest out.  Hopefully with mirth, if not now, then soon.  :)

I'll save my hormone monologue for a scarier day.   ;D
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Offline Mor Ephrem

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Re: Anyone not like being a parent?
« Reply #13 on: October 09, 2018, 09:00:45 PM »
I think you can say ~ In the Name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit and post with charitable and prayerful intentions.

Offline Rubricnigel

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Re: Anyone not like being a parent?
« Reply #14 on: October 09, 2018, 09:12:35 PM »
My atempt at humour didnt go over to well..
Sometimes we have to laugh. Im a father as well. Also know that a womans hormones are to be feared like the devil himself.

Sometimes humor helps.

As for the op, i have no idea what 7 is like so i cant comment. But most humans lives are like the ebb and flow of the tide, happy, sad, etc. I'd say you're in a slump, maybe a vacation, a weekend getaway would help. Set aside an hour a day for you.  Speak to your priest, a friend, a family member about your problems, etc.
I hope you are just going through a slump.
God bless, ill say a prayer for ya.

Offline RobS

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Re: Anyone not like being a parent?
« Reply #15 on: October 09, 2018, 09:48:33 PM »
Im a father as well.

God help us.
Just wait til You hear im going to be a father too.
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Online Justin Kolodziej

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Re: Anyone not like being a parent?
« Reply #16 on: October 09, 2018, 09:57:09 PM »
I don't like being a parent nowhere near my kids' location  :(
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Re: Anyone not like being a parent?
« Reply #17 on: October 09, 2018, 10:14:40 PM »
Im a father as well.

God help us.
Just wait til You hear im going to be a father too.
Ill be the godfather if its a boy.

Offline Rubricnigel

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Re: Anyone not like being a parent?
« Reply #18 on: October 10, 2018, 12:02:21 PM »

Offline Agabus

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Re: Anyone not like being a parent?
« Reply #19 on: October 10, 2018, 02:26:41 PM »
I have five ranging from teen to toddler, and anyone who tells you most days aren't going to make you want to drink at some point is selling something. One of the things my wife and I have found helpful is to point to calendar milestones for each child (and especially the baby) and say, "This is the last time we will have to deal with 'x' issue."

There's a real tendency to want to spiritualize it or infantilize parents with lines about how they're going to miss it or you have to appreciate it all now, but that's dismissing the reality that in the moment it is difficult, even when you have good children, even when you're raising them right, and even if everything else in your life is perfectly lined up.

Like in other areas of life, the key is to find a place where you can acknowledge the struggle without resenting it or your family. Sometimes that's finding a spiritual advisor, sometimes it's finding processional help and a pharmaceutical solution, and sometimes it just means taking a break for a minute. (The last option is the one I'd suggest first if it's possible.)

TL;DR: I hear you. I don't have any real advice, but it's OK to have feelings as long as you don't live in them. And then the usual bit about praying and going to church and all that.
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Offline mc1rgrl

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Re: Anyone not like being a parent?
« Reply #20 on: October 10, 2018, 09:31:14 PM »

There's a real tendency to want to spiritualize it or infantilize parents with lines about how they're going to miss it or you have to appreciate it all now, but that's dismissing the reality that in the moment it is difficult, even when you have good children, even when you're raising them right, and even if everything else in your life is perfectly lined up.

Like in other areas of life, the key is to find a place where you can acknowledge the struggle without resenting it or your family. Sometimes that's finding a spiritual advisor, sometimes it's finding processional help and a pharmaceutical solution, and sometimes it just means taking a break for a minute. (The last option is the one I'd suggest first if it's possible.)

TL;DR: I hear you. I don't have any real advice, but it's OK to have feelings as long as you don't live in them. And then the usual bit about praying and going to church and all that.

Yes to all of the above...I think I was having a really bad day the other day. It is hard anyway, but add to that the fact that all of these kids have gone through divorces and you get a new can of worms to deal with.  My husband's kids' mother left them when they were 2, 4, and 6 and while she is around now and they are with her almost 50% of the time, they went through hell at a very vulnerable time in their development so they have issues still that stem from that even though they are now 7, 9, and 11.  My kids watched their dad be abusive to me so they've go their own issues.  Raising broken children is just so hard.  They are better, but still have crap to deal with. Makes it harder on me to carry this burden and I have crap days sometimes...

Offline Alpha60

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Re: Anyone not like being a parent?
« Reply #21 on: October 12, 2018, 11:41:48 AM »
Maybe your children don't like having you as their mom either.

Teenagers most definitely don't like having anyone as their parent, even the most textbook perfect of them. Everyone is human in this.

This was not my experience of my teenage years.  My grandparents died and both my parents had health scares, so I spent practically the entire period from 13 to 18 praying that they would be alright, and in that case, they were.
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Offline platypus

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Re: Anyone not like being a parent?
« Reply #22 on: October 28, 2018, 03:05:12 PM »
Hm... probably one has to look at children as part of a vocation. It is not necessarily fun.
Also, seven is really a lot. I cannot imagine I could deal with seven at all, no chance.
I think you are perfectly entitled to not liking it.

Is seven kids not typical for a Catholic family across the pond?

I was one of seven kids, and that was only a medium size family in our parish. No contraception and all.
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Re: Anyone not like being a parent?
« Reply #23 on: October 28, 2018, 03:06:35 PM »
Hm... probably one has to look at children as part of a vocation. It is not necessarily fun.
Also, seven is really a lot. I cannot imagine I could deal with seven at all, no chance.
I think you are perfectly entitled to not liking it.

Is seven kids not typical for a Catholic family across the pond?

I was one of seven kids, and that was only a medium size family in our parish. No contraception and all.

Two or three kids is the norm these days.
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Re: Anyone not like being a parent?
« Reply #24 on: October 28, 2018, 03:08:09 PM »
Hm... probably one has to look at children as part of a vocation. It is not necessarily fun.
Also, seven is really a lot. I cannot imagine I could deal with seven at all, no chance.
I think you are perfectly entitled to not liking it.

Is seven kids not typical for a Catholic family across the pond?

I was one of seven kids, and that was only a medium size family in our parish. No contraception and all.

I never personally knew a modern German family with more than two kids.  One seemed to be the norm, but I don't know if any faith or non-faith played into it.
« Last Edit: October 28, 2018, 03:08:23 PM by hecma925 »
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Offline Lepanto

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Re: Anyone not like being a parent?
« Reply #25 on: October 28, 2018, 03:13:45 PM »
Hm... probably one has to look at children as part of a vocation. It is not necessarily fun.
Also, seven is really a lot. I cannot imagine I could deal with seven at all, no chance.
I think you are perfectly entitled to not liking it.

Is seven kids not typical for a Catholic family across the pond?

I was one of seven kids, and that was only a medium size family in our parish. No contraception and all.

Dunno. In my family, 2-3 ist the norm, 4 the rare exception.
I think it is a cliche. Catholics use contraception just like anyone else.
Personally, I do not think I will have seven kids. Maybe three, God willing.
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Offline mc1rgrl

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Re: Anyone not like being a parent?
« Reply #26 on: November 07, 2018, 01:42:30 PM »
Hm... probably one has to look at children as part of a vocation. It is not necessarily fun.
Also, seven is really a lot. I cannot imagine I could deal with seven at all, no chance.
I think you are perfectly entitled to not liking it.

Is seven kids not typical for a Catholic family across the pond?

I was one of seven kids, and that was only a medium size family in our parish. No contraception and all.

Dunno. In my family, 2-3 ist the norm, 4 the rare exception.
I think it is a cliche. Catholics use contraception just like anyone else.
Personally, I do not think I will have seven kids. Maybe three, God willing.

I don't know.  Ours is a blended family--I have 4 and he has 3.  We have full custody of my 4 and 50/50 custody of his three so they are with us slightly more than 50% of the time.

Offline RaphaCam

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Re: Anyone not like being a parent?
« Reply #27 on: November 07, 2018, 02:03:19 PM »
I fear parenthood a lot, even though I love so much the idea. Being raised with a younger sister with ataxic cerebral palsy and busy parents, I had to act very superficially like a father (taking care, educating, always putting someone else's problems and needs first) from a very early age, and as my parents divorced and we both get older, this gets more and more intense. I haven't even started and I already feel a bit burned out of it. No wonder why my other sister shivers at the mere thought of having a family, she was a mom from birth.
« Last Edit: November 07, 2018, 02:07:26 PM by RaphaCam »
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Re: Anyone not like being a parent?
« Reply #28 on: November 07, 2018, 05:31:49 PM »
I fear parenthood a lot, even though I love so much the idea. Being raised with a younger sister with ataxic cerebral palsy and busy parents, I had to act very superficially like a father (taking care, educating, always putting someone else's problems and needs first) from a very early age, and as my parents divorced and we both get older, this gets more and more intense. I haven't even started and I already feel a bit burned out of it. No wonder why my other sister shivers at the mere thought of having a family, she was a mom from birth.
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